Straight Male Bedroom Decor

We all know the feeling of returning to a boy's house and stumbling in, fairly drunk, fumbling around in the dark and feeling the excitement of the upcoming bonk fest – until he turns the lights on. No, this is not a comment on how the boy you're shagging looks. I'm sure he's nice and plain like a bowl of oatmeal (I'm just basing this on the law of averages). I'm talking about his room.

Boys categorically cannot decorate. We know most of them can't dress, but some manage to get a handle on this. Decor, though? Impossible. They simply cannot comprehend it. Boys have what they need in their rooms and not much else. Except maybe some empty cans of left over alcohol, deodorant and one really shit poster.

if you go back to guy's house and he's got 2 monitors and a light up keyboard just fucking go home

— justgir1stuff (@justgir1stuff) February 18, 2020

You're lucky if that, to be honest. Sometimes the things they have on display are straight up weird. Here are the items that all boys should avoid owning, or definitely hide under the bed if a girl comes over. And if you're a girl and you see these things, make like Jordan Peele and Get Out.

Full ashtrays

Wow, what a legend. He smokes. He smokes SO much that his ashtray is FULL. You definitely know he hasn't emptied it because of a strange sense of pride over the fact that it's full and thinks that looks really cool. Wrong. Also he's lazy.

Reptiles

Right, not extremely likely to happen, but if you do walk into a boy's room and there is a snake in there, walk out.

N.b: same applies to tarantulas.

Dirty plate

When you do that first scan around with your beady eyes once you enter the room, they will undoubtedly settle on one thing: an old, crusty bowl of cereal or a plate decorated with pizza crusts. This is gross. You knew you were bringing someone over, what's wrong with you? And even if you didn't, I don't care, that's not an excuse! Clean up your mess you detty pig.

Double bed with only one pillow

There is a worrying phenomenon among men that is only owning one – max two – pillows. Go to any woman's bedroom and you'll find four pillows, with a coordinated duvet cover/pillow case set up, and at least one decorative cushion. That's how all beds should be.

What do you boys lean against when you watch Netflix? Are you just permanently parallel to the bed? That's not good for your neck! Do better!

Used condoms in the bin

Has happened. If you're dating a fuckboy and you don't want to be hurt, don't look in the bin. Ignorance is bliss.

Traffic cone

And now comes the sudden realisation that you are either about to have sex with an actual fresher or a very real man child. Neither are good.

Mandala wall hangings

Gap yah and a lack of self awareness blend here to make the perfect mix of retch-worthy. Bleugh.

Crumby carpet

Hoover your God damn rooms, boys. I know you don't do it because you're so used to your Mum doing it! I see you and I am not impressed!

Dark bed sheets

Why do boys think these are cool? Dark bedsheets just SCREAM obvious cum stains and someone who watches too much porn.

No pillow cases

You are gross. Think of your SKIN, honey.

Damp sports kit

I get that you work out, and that's great for you, but seeing it all unwashed or hanging around your room is not a vibe for me.

All I can say is yikes

Walls that are completely bare

Count the number of times that you've walked into a boys bedroom, seen empty walls and thought a) this is a prison cell b) this boy must have no personality, likes, hobbies or interests at all.

Walls that are TOO much

Shit posters of Pulp Fiction or the tennis player with her bum out. Multiple band posters (guaranteed lame indie boy, get out before he recommends you listen to Currents by Tame Impala). Any kind of wall planner or work schedule (big nerd). All red flags. If the walls are covered, you should be too. Do not sleep with that man.

Any kind of weapon

Decorative samurai swords. Some kind of bow and arrow. There really is no second thinking about this, the Awolnation song "Run" should start playing in your head and you gotta go girl.

Remnants of another woman

Also known Lewis Capaldi's next album title. But seriously, hairs in the bed, any kind of hairbands or bobby pins. You might think that these little trinkets make you look like a big stud because you're shagging other girls, but it's a little careless and a bit of a mood killer. Lothario more like lothariNO.

Tissues by the bed

Awh, have you got a cold babe? Oh no. Oh god no. That's not snot.

Guitar

If you so much as mention the word serenade I am OUT OF HERE.

No mirror

The most frustrating thing in a boy's bedroom is a complete lack of mirrors. Love the selflessness and lack of vanity but also, a little bit of vanity is necessary and I wanna check if I have food in my teeth or a spot coming. Please boys, buy a mirror. For us.

An unmade bed

We're not asking for a full hotel room set up where it's all so neatly tucked in that it actually takes about an hour to untuck – we just want the duvet thrown back on neatly, that's all we ask.

Harry Potter book

Grow up.

Football memorabilia

I love my 13-year-old man child boyfriend x

Bad feng shui

Chair in the middle of the room? Wardrobe too close the bed? Desk facing an odd direction? My vibe check results are back and it's not looking good for you babe.

Glade air freshener

This just reminds me of the badly dubbed over American air freshener adverts where they make people smell dirty things that have been sprayed with Glade. Don't use Glade to trick me into thinking your room is fresh, just clean your room!

White lighting, no lamp

Great, can't wait to have sex in this marijuana farm. Love that you can see every bump and crevice of each of our respective bodies. Big fan of that.

Severed human head

Girls I don't know who needs to say this to you but this kind of room decor ?is ?not ?okay. Unpopular opinion but who cares, I've said it. Stop taking chances on boys with severed heads in their rooms. Mic drop.

But for real, boys, take note. The better the bedroom vibe the better the sex, it's scientifically proven.